There are two kinds of embarrassment in my mind: the kind that makes you feel clumsy and the kind that makes you feel stupid. Actually, according to Wikipedia, there are several more, but these are the ones that affect me most often. And this week, I actually experienced both.
It doesn’t bother me too much being clumsy. Sure, I don’t like tripping over things or running into something. And when I do, I feel embarrassed and probably blush, but I also will most likely laugh. Even with what happened this week, whenever I think about it, I can’t help but smile and shake my head and laugh at the whole situation. And I no longer feel embarrassed about it. A little silly, maybe, but not embarrassed.
But feeling stupid… that really gets to me. There are few things worse, in my opinion, than feeling stupid. And when I do, I shut down, I get defensive, and then I start obsessing and after I while I have a hard time thinking about anything else.
I think these feelings are especially apparent this week as I head back for my second semester of grad school. (Even though that’s not where anything happened.) But I do have a fear of not being good enough and not being as smart as the other people in my program. I feel like everyone else in my class understands how to speak “academically” and I have completely forgotten how to be in that frame of mind.
I don’t get it. Why do I let these little things, that other people likely don’t remember an hour later, get to me so much?
There’s actually a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” And it’s really true. So why do I feel this way? This isn’t how it is supposed to be. You should never let other people dictate how you feel and how you see yourself. I know this. I just don’t always live by it.
We never want to give ourselves a break. Everyone else is allowed to mess up, but any time that we do, it’s unforgivable. At least that how I feel about myself a lot of the time. And it’s so unfair. That’s something I hope to change this year. Giving myself a break every now and then.
You are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.
-A.A. Milne
3 Comments
It seems to me you have spent the last five years getting ‘real world’ experience – reporting, editing, planning, blogging, what have you. You may not ‘think academically’ whatever that means, but you have the type of experience that your classmates are hoping that they can get sometime in the future.
January 7, 2014 at 9:19 pmI fully admit to “feeling dumb” quite often which I put down to being my own worst enemy. In my experience, people with Crohn’s/IBD are probably too clever for their own good and definitely have the ability to instantly analyse things to the N-th degree. Self-imposed information overload always makes me feel dumb. It’s not rational but there you have it.
January 8, 2014 at 3:58 amPlus, the effort required for someone with Crohn’s/IBD to live a “normal life” – whatever that may be – is staggering. I have this ideal of where I should be on the scale of living a “normal life” and feel dumb/inadequate/frustrated etc when I don’t reach the standards I have subconsciously set for myself. Again, it’s not rational but there you have it.
For me, the short answer starts with being a little kinder to yourself. You work harder than you realise and are more amazing than you give yourself credit for. Try not to judge yourself by other people’s standards either. Take things at your own pace and do what’s right for “you.” There are still days when I forget these concepts but they do work for me when I practice them. Hope that all made some kind of sense. And to repeat – you are freekin amazing. Don’t let anyone (even yourself) convince you otherwise 🙂
Thank you for that, Stephen. You’re the best.
January 9, 2014 at 9:29 am